• Jacqui Jackson

Mother's day and waiting

The following post was written by Jacqui Jackson, iHope’s co-founder and CEO, on her Grateful Mommy blog. It can be accessed here: http://www.thegratefulmommy.com

So friends, this idea has been bubbling around in my overburdened heart for many months now. To be fair and frank, I want to state unequivocally that I know I am a daughter of the King. Being able to state that is important as a Christ Follower, but even more importantly, I want to share that I claim the way Jesus sees me. I am endlessly grateful for that, for in my mommy heart, down deep where the truth of me lies, this princess views herself in a particular fashion. I try not to let this view define me, thinking that the physical circumstances surrounding this view are simply a part of my design which serves to keep me compassionate, prayerful, and passionate about all things mommy and child. But it is a struggle! So here it goes:

When I look at myself, I see Infertile Myrtle. This is a nickname I read somewhere close to a decade and a half ago. At that point, I was already receiving dream-squashing news that my heart's desire to be a mommy was no guarantee from experts in white jackets. It was highly unlikely that I could become pregnant, and if I did, it would be an unexpected gift. Even before I was told these things, I somehow already knew that although I desperately wanted to be a mommy, it would be no easy thing. Since I already knew this, it seemed almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy when the doctors told me.

Even when I was young, I knew I was probably facing a disease called endometriosis. I had all the classic symptoms, plus some fun ones that were rare and gnarly. "Take a vacation" and "don't stress so much" aren’t fixes for your garden-variety illnesses (although the stress can inflame anything!), but these two pieces of advice were loving thrown at me for years on end. Once the pain of the disease wore me down and surgery confirmed that I indeed suffered from stage four endometriosis that was tearing up a good portion of my innards, I didn’t feel vindicated. I did, however, feel an incredible relief after years of inexplicable pain...And my heart? That wasn’t fixable by surgery.

You see, when I get to heaven, there will be several little souls there I'll be looking for to hug and to love o